Hello.
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Klingon Therapist advice
I don’t know who needs to see this today, but here you go. It is “honorable combat”. May Kahless see honor in your battle. Qapla’!
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A dating service where matching is based on people’s search history exists. You’re a serial killer. You go on a date with a writer.
Serial Killer: metaphorically, if you were to kill someone, how would you do it?
Writer: Air shot between the toes, it’ll look like a heart attack.
Serial Killer who is obviously in love already: *sucks in a breath* ok
Writer: how long would it take to die if you were to potentially stab someone in the guts
Serial killer: anywhere from 2 to 30 minutes
Writer, already bringing a ring out: *shaking* thanks
A++ addition
Writer: *shows the serial killer the murder scene they’re writing* babe, i’m not sure if this would actually work?
Serial killer: *kisses writer on the forehead and leaves, comes back later, a suspicious scent of blood coming off them* it works baby, you’re doing great
I LOVE THIS
Oh no, murder comedy is my jam
I love this, I love all of this, but quick question, does the author know? Like are they aware that their significant other is a serial killer or do they just think that they have a morbid sense of humor? It’d be even funnier if the author had no fucking clue, like how Aurthur Conan Doyle was apparently stupidly gullible, and on top of it they’re a horror or crime novelist. Like the serial killer works at a butcher shop or something so it’s completely normal for them to come home smelling like blood, no murders going on here, no sirey. Just my darling coming back home from a long day at work.
Now fast forward a bit and the author has managed to get their first book published, with loving support from the serial killer who helped them fine tune all the murder scenes, and it’s a big hit. Enough so that a detective with the local police department has noticed some disturbing similarities to several active cases, including details that were never released to the press. Obviously he brings this up to his superior and convinces him that there’s something to the theory, but it’s all circumstantial right now. He stakes out the author’s home and is super convinced that the author is the murderer, but they don’t seem to do anything??? Like they literally are at the house all day, that’s it. Most they do is leave for groceries.
So you get this dynamic of the serial killer mining the author for creative murder schemes, the author being lovingly encouraged by the serial killer, and finally the detective who is just so sure that the author is the killer and that if he sticks it out long enough he’ll FINALLY have proof.
Plot twist, The serial killer and detective use to go out so it gets sub what personal.
“You need to stop seeing them. I think they are a serial killer.”
Serial killer breaths in. “Look-”
…perfect
I don’t like actual murder mysteries, but this is perfect
THE ORIGINAL POST HOW DID I GET SO LUCKY
Oh my god I would watch/read the hell out of this shit
(via hautecouturejaken)
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Part 1 of Nimona as quotes from my friend group’s “no-context-quotes” discord server channel & other assorted nonsensical conversations i’ve had (both featuring @duolingocaticon <33)
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Part 1 of Nimona as quotes from my friend group’s “no-context-quotes” discord server channel & other assorted nonsensical conversations i’ve had (both featuring @duolingocaticon <33)
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Steve expected a lot when Billy agreed to join him for dinner with the Hendersons. Dustin and Billy hate each other. He thought he’d have to prevent them from stabbing each other with forks or bitching the whole evening.
But this? It’s heartbreaking.
Billy first gives Claudia one of his lascivious smiles, batting his eyelashes at her and getting immediately smothered in her scratchy violet sweater and a tight hug that Steve can only call a mother’s hug.
Billy crumbles, blinking tears away Steve will pretend to not have seen.
Dustin fumes.
“I think your lasagna is getting burned,” he huffs.
The lasagna isn’t burned. It’s perfect. Cheesy, a bit too hot and exactly right.
Billy’s hand shakes around his fork. Claudia asks him about school, about California and much to Steve surprise Billy tells. In a low voice, like a child that isn’t sure if they are in trouble, but growing more confident with each answer.
Dustin is glaring at Billy. His anger grows cold as they continue to eat. Claudia beams at Billy and Steve can only smile, too.
He’s almost sad when the meal is finished.
“I can help with the dishes.” Billy gets up.
“No, I can help, mom.” Dustin runs to the kitchen. Billy follows. Steve hopes they won’t kill each other with a sponge and a towel.
“Your friend is really nice.” Claudia beams at Steve. “He seems to need some kindness in his life.”
Yeah, Steve thinks, he really does. He just nods.
“I’m making tacos on Tuesday,” Claudia says. “If you wanna come over.”
She is too kind to be real. Steve feels like someone wrapped a blanket around him.
“Dish soap in my hair? I’m telling your mum,” Billy shouts.
Oh.
Steve groans. Claudia laughs.
“I’m better going in,” she says.
If one can handle these two, it’s her.
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Hey remember how Noir is an anti-fascist from 1933
